The Way It Goes

It’s been exactly a year of no contact and it’s the best thing I could have done for myself.

I was in a relationship that became toxic and it was always in a cycle of fighting, making up, me being anxious, then getting in another fight about how I was anxious. After breaking up and getting cheated on (another blog to come about this), I thought it would be a great idea to keep hanging out in secret. Spoiler: it was not.

There were nine months between our breakup and the start of no contact. During that time, I refused to face reality—we weren’t dating anymore. And to be fair, I think he was in denial too. We’d call each other constantly, give daily updates, and plan our weeks around hangouts. He kept telling me we can eventually get back together. I bought it. I was so fucking oblivious. Meanwhile, I was in college, living my life: going out, meeting people, talking to guys. Anytime I didn’t answer his calls or if he got suspicious, he’d get so mad at me. But when I had concerns? Total deflection on his part.

And then I caught him in a lie. Instead of owning up to it, he ghosted me for a week.

The morning after Christmas, he finally called me to say we shouldn’t talk anymore. That he needs space to grow and mature. That we were toxic. That this was bad for both of us. I agreed with him. There was nowhere for me to grow at this point. Just backwards. It was hard to think of a life without talking with him. It had been over two years at this point being by his side.

The days that followed were tough. I went through the motions, trying to hide how upset I was since no one really knew we were still in contact. But life felt different. I had to relearn how to navigate the world on my own.

Looking back, I know I wasn’t strong enough to end it myself at the time. As painful as it was, I’m grateful he made the decision for both of us. If he hadn’t, who knows how much longer the cycle of toxicity would’ve dragged on?

No contact is painful and it sucks. But it’s worth it. At first, I was counting the days since we had spoken. Three days turned into three weeks, until it turned into, “Wow, I didn’t think about him today.” Now, a year later, I’m so thankful I’m not stuck in that phase of life anymore.

What started as a painful process evolved into something empowering. Through this journey, I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I want out of life, love, and relationships. Here are a few of the biggest lessons I’ve taken away:

1.) Self-Worth Comes First

For so long, I tied my own value to someone else’s opinion of me. I was constantly trying to be “enough” for someone who didn’t appreciate me for who I was. No contact forced me to redefine my worth on my own terms. I’ve realized that I’m worthy of love, respect, and happiness—without needing to prove myself to anyone.

2.) Boundaries Are Essential

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s the importance of setting boundaries. In my previous relationship, I let too much slide—whether it was dismissive behavior, broken promises, or excuses. Now, I know how to recognize red flags and stand up for myself when something feels wrong. I won’t sacrifice my peace for anyone again.

3.) Toxic Love Isn’t Real Love

For a long time, I mistook chaos for passion. I thought the constant ups and downs were just part of a relationship and everyone went through it. But love isn’t supposed to feel like that. Love is safe, steady, and supportive. Anything else isn’t love—it’s control, manipulation, or unresolved issues playing out.

4.) Healing Is Nonlinear

There were days I felt like I was over him, only to have something—an old memory, a song, a photo—bring all the emotions rushing back. And that’s okay. Healing isn’t a straight line. It’s messy and unpredictable, but every step forward, no matter how small, is you getting better.

5.) Growth Happens Outside Your Comfort Zone

Learning how to be on my own made me discover new parts of myself that I really enjoyed. I learned to love alone time and really enjoy my own company. I started working out again. I became so close with my friends. I was able to be so productive and driven. Growth doesn’t happen when you’re clinging to something familiar. It happens when you let go and you start fresh.

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These 365 days taught me to appreciate myself and my strength. I used to think I couldn’t handle life alone, but now? I’m my own best friend. I’ve grown more in the past year than I ever thought possible. I’m truly happy—happy with my life and happy with myself. My friendships have deepened; they are now the people I turn to for everything, and I can’t imagine life without them.

I’ve also done a lot of reflection on what went wrong and what I’ll never tolerate in a future relationship. Sure, there were moments I should’ve put my foot down and didn’t. But I’m glad I went through all of it because it showed me what I deserve and the kind of love I want to find.

It’s been an entire year since I’ve felt that suffocating anxiety, and honestly? It’s the biggest relief. Now, I’m keeping an open mind about relationships and not letting my past dictate my future. I’m proud of the growth I’ve achieved in just one year, and I trust that the love I’m looking for will find me when the time is right.

And that’s the way it goes,

-Lids